Im affectionate and do everything, but Im tired So I turn to porn and search things that include wife. And thats where I get my relief. Thats abusive and hurtful too. To me, that is emotional abuse. 3. Foreplay doesnt start in the bedroom, foreplay is EVERY day regardless if sex is on the table or not. I lived with her for a year after a very contentious divorce from the mother of my children who cheated. My wife of 35 years and I have always had difficulty sexually. Without going into details - I am 100% certain that it was satisfying for both of us. But his belly sticks out a lot and makes it extremely difficult to get in because of 3 things. We both have health issues Be gentle and calm when you bring it up. I have tried individual therapy and that was to no avail. At first when we were dating this were fine. Fix it. He's a great dad, and a considerate husband. After menopause she lost interest in sex because of vaginal atrophy. Would you be willing to see a therapist with me to learn how to talk about this? Now married to number 3. You were something OTHER. We have done counseling and it always comes back to my issues which I work on but have never seen any change from her. Like, whats wrong with me? Without the energy of wooing, the fear of missing out if we do not woo, we fall into complacency and boredom. My hubby is one happy camper. I want my wife to be happy with the experience as well. He is absolutely wonderful father and husband. Do you feel my wife never initiates intimacy? So the thing I hate hearing but rings true is once in the no sex zone you are not coming back in to it. If I threw a fit, she would allow it but Buck is correct, who wants to have sex with someone who is repulsed by the act of sex. She may be experiencing depression or a lack of self-confidence, or maybe she feels like shes failing at this parenting thing. "Feeling expected to have sex a certain way, or feeling like you need to have intercourse if you explore desire with your partner, can actually strangle a woman's libido over time.". Haha Im not going to belittle my husband and make him feel less of a man when he is the one with impotence. About ten months ago she started yelling at me whenever I put my arms around her. It Might pass , 45 is menopausal years and I was once told by a friend older than me at the time that it can be like a light switch once you are through menopause and that can be true because what drives sexual desire , it has much to do with hormones and post menopause or during, a women losses a tremendous amount of hormones and hormone replacement ( they will many x use birth control for that) makes one sick or intolerant and I have read many articles in the past that hormone replacement can put one of high risk of cancer in older women, please I am far from a Dr. not even close, but this is what I have gathered along the way. He will not talk about that either. That old saying use or loose it.. So.. As I recall when we first started dating we were watching porn together. She may begin to stop seeing herself as a sexual being as she assumes the role of mother, a role that society often strongly desexualizes. Believe me when I say that she has really tried and every time it has turned out badly, I really feel like an ass for going along with the effort the she was making. The nipple is not an on and off switch. Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. That's part of it, but in long-term relationships, sex is also the fastest route for a man to feel close and connected to his wife. Over time, expressions of love change form and that unbridled passion can begin to dull down. . In fact, according to WebMD, there are multiple causes that will negatively affect the sexual desire in a woman. Run why stay? Hormonal therapy can give you cancer, stroke. This can lead to her becoming physically and emotionally distant in the marriage. Marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, coupled with a sea of hormonal changes at different stages of life, can make a woman gain weight and send her self-esteem nosediving. How can a person be so shallow that they base their lifelong relationship on whether or not their wife can help them empty their balls? I just dont understand. Being in a sexless marriage is great, we havent had sex, intimacy togetherness for 40 years. and possibly evil. Could I just ask the question? Maybe you've started treating your wife differently, toomore likely a mom figure even to you, and less like a wife and lover and sexual being. Guess were done here . Read the first sentence again. If there are other underlying problems such as financial constraints or strained relationships with the in-laws, the stress could be killing her libido and be the reason why your wife avoids sex. It took many years and visits to a lot of therapists to find out why I couldnt perform sexually with my wife during our 30 year marriage. It is more than frustrating it is emotionally and physically painful. It is an axiom of mate selection in nature that males display and females choose. He expects lunch and dinner to be made for him every day, He drinks beer by the gallon and he gives nothing to this marriage. we always believe that we are being judged . Another way to improve lack of sexual desire is to change things up in the bedroom. Life is definitely funny. accuse me of not loving her enough, if I had to cheat back. I read these comments and feel for all of you, especially the men who I share with of which I have similar experiences. If your vagina is dry, find out why. Each time she claims to like having sex, but is just tired! I have tried to keep myself in shape, etc., and he is certainly in fairly good shape too. Many marriages have been ruin, husband are sad, desperate, when wives started to isolate themselves. As I explained before on, spontaneous desire just happens, while responsive desire only happens after a womans body starts getting aroused. Our marriage became almost sexless in 2006 when our 17 year old son was killed in an accident. I caught her in a flirtation as she calls it, with her boss. In fact, I dont even feel were friends at this point, as we rarely speak to one another (unless I initiate a conversation) and whenever I try and initiate any affection or even merely suggest sex, he bristles, becomes hostile and defensive and thats that. I have tried internet sex and it wasnt bad but it wasnt enough. I hope you two can work it out. for signs she is interested in someone else. Its just torturing me for no reason. My husband never had my love of sex. We dont understand anything about foreplay or romance. To some it may even taste nasty. Your Wife Seems Uncomfortable When You Initiate Foreplay. she and I cannot even sit on the couch and watch TV as she scoots away from me. She started losing interest when our children were youngshed be OK with sex once or twice a month, and only when she was in the mood. My point is, most of the sexless marriage problems are from the man not ruling. Either her body and hormones are so off that she needs the support of . She refuses to talk about it. Its no secret that sex after marriage tends to become monotonous, especially if neither partner makes an effort to keep the fire of passion burning. I cant have sex do to pain and believe me I truly hat it. We married late, were both 40, and our sex life was fantastic. I understand the frustration, I have tried talking with my wife and have even said, if the problem was with me, I would be in a doctors office tomorrow! When we go out, all I see are happy couples who show affection and love. Then menopause dried it out and the muscles resist and joints spasm, so its painful. Nathan I am in exactly the same position as you. She NEVER asks but will tell me I can have it whenever I want. Husbands (and I was one) are men who figured out too late that they are being played for fools. Weve been married for 27 years and have 3 adult children. Lately it seems that after giving her oral sex my wife just wants me to hurry up and orgasm with intercourse. Stay single, young men, Marriage is not for you. But we dont have sex or make love or anything you want to call it! She wasnt as attractive or as fine a dresser, and my adolescent mind didnt see her as the choice for my good looks. He had at least 9 different jobs, years of unemployment with me working overtime 12 hrs night shifts (RN here). Answers where we can talk about it or Im busy right now. Maybe I should start trying to ease my husband into this conversation because we have been having sex rarer and rarer these past few years. Sure. If your wife is struggling with any mental health issues, she may be less interested in sex at the moment. She reached about 58 and went through late menopause which brought on vaginal dryness, solved with a doctor recommended lubricant. Yes. What shes done to me all these years was downright evil ! I like to think there is hope but unsure. As for porn, I dont mind it at all when he watches it (though he thinks I never see him), after all, we are all human and have drives and needs. Absolutely! For example, depression, as well as the medication used to manage it, can take a toll on ones libido. Womens inherent nesting instinct naturally shifts their focus to family and kids, and this may, in turn, affect the mind space she can allocate to you and sexual desires. Married 36 years, neither of us had sex with anyone including each other until our wedding night: It was tough, but my choice. It in no way makes it reasonable or responsible to simply do nothing about it If youre in a relationship, and you just throw your hands up and say, Oh, sorry about your luck honey, but were just going to carve the physical intimacy out of our relationship, and pretend it doesnt matter, then YOU, my friend, are a cruel and selfish asshole. I dont look my age at all! It is incumbent on each of us, male and/or female to strive for the new, the invigoration, the secure, the calm, the exciting, the passionate . 1. A woman may lose interest in sex, even in a happy marriage, if the sex does not bring her sexual pleasure. Counseling is usually the way out but unfortunately most people in a relationship dont want to go that route (or at least one of them doesnt). Is it me or does it seem like sex therapists and experts are lacking, some seem hedonistic? When they stop they stop. I want to figure out myself and fix my own issues so I can be a great mom and wife but I feel like is a waste of time to try to fix my marriage because its broken down and Im emotionally drained and I just want to focus on my kids. I look good for my age and am so tempted to look for another relationship. What do you think a man can do and should do in these cases ??? I finally asked him he said I was crab and mad all the time, I have a lot of pain and take a lot of meds sometime, and yes I am very unhappy with my life, but I try to hid it. He is a selfish person he is only thinking of himself. Plus why would you want to have sex with someone who isnt interested? For many of us, male and female, the virtue of sex resides in the shared experience. Try to keep things fun and adventurous between the sheets so that your wife is unable to resist you. When the support isnt there, the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy are going to suffer. It can be helpful to have this conversation with the help of a sexuality professional, such as a sex therapist or coach. Get a better paying job so she doesnt have to work her butt off. I just go to AA now instead (I drank too much for 10 years because of no sex) & have great old fashioned men friends and conversations of good life practices. Once youre accustomed to porn, youve trained your brain to need it. (Note to women reading this thread: though the accepted wisdom is women love big penises, Ive found in my experience that its certainly not universal. If Im doing the very best I can and feeling pretty good about things, ITS NEVER ENOUGH. Being uncomfortable in their own skin and ashamed of the extra weight is a common reason why women start avoiding physical intimacy with their spouses. My husband will not have sex with me anymore. A year or two is nothing. I just want to rebuild my life again, move on, be kissed and touched! I have rekindled a relationship that ended over fifty years ago with a woman I dated right before I met my wife. Thats why were looking at the most common reasons why your wife is never in the mood anymore and what you can do if your wife refuses to have sex. A marriage I have no interest in ending, ever. Were just a hole for your pole . Lets face it, as women age, many lose sex drive, along with experiencing a good number of other sexual problems. . Is this the case with your guy or does he nave no urges at all? It will never balance out. 10. not someone to basically jerk off into. If she senses youre blaming her for something, shell go on the defensive. I didnt either with my late husband Too much cheating etc. Ill be living in a van down by the river if we separate. Hey People, when a woman no longer wants sex with a man, it means she is likely not attracted to him anymore. Its a bummer most times. I am not the same, never will be. the women stop trying once you give them what they want. We are still asexually active and every time we see couples enjoying sex, it puts extreme sadness in our souls because we are faithful to our partner. When home I was to do whatever he wanted me to. s.setAttribute('data-timestamp', +new Date()); What to do about it: Address the ongoing conflicts in your relationship. Im considering leaving altogether and realize it will put a financial strain on both of us although we have significant cash equity in our home which can make it much easier in retirement. Learning how to communicate and experience life myself . 5 minutes of his time now and again isnt much to ask! But no sex. Jos!! One of the scariest reasons your wife wont have sex with you may be that she has feelings or is being intimate with someone else. . I try to get used to it. Thank you Jeff! I realized that her life and passion are our girls (which she refers to as her girls). Look, we have all pretty much aged our of sexual adventurism but our minds refuse to accept it. Communication will go a long way in improving your sex life. I am very hormonal being athletic and take DHEA supplements which enhance desire. She has rejected counseling and even criticizes my masterbation or porn. This isn't a tit-for-tat sort of thing, though. Here is the rub though. Then I find out shes got four different boyfriends. I guess. The Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. Im too tired. So Mike, I dont know what to say. She never apologized. He keeps saying hell do better, but nothing ever happens! Well, our partners dont seem to care they are hurting us. Dont hold it against her. Just told her I wasnt going to follow all her B.S rule and moved out of the bedroom. Bitter? Just has zero desire. Though she died quickly sex was never discussed and I can assure you my marriage was a bed of rock. You deserve to be happy in your life as well. You have grown as a human being . If your wife wont have sex with you, try not to jump to accusations, as this usually only makes things worse. Cheating is easy and you deserve it . * THE SECTION BELOW TO INSERT DYNAMIC VALUES FROM YOUR 2nd doctor also said the same thing. While its true that marriage isnt for everyone, it certainly isnt worthless. , motherhood, or work anxiety can cause your wife to feel too overwhelmed for intimacy. Its all a crock. But in practice, no one is equal. 69 years old and no sex together for over 20 years..I asked her if she ever gets horny anymore like when we were dating..she flatly stated no, and if thats a dealbreaker so be it. Because I am not attractive to her. We have been Maries for 26 years. Makes me feel worth lessnot worthless.worth. Then it was just plain no, Im not sexually turned in. Nope. Also from a masculine point view primordial guttural sex that is still controlled contributes to female orgasim. Regardless of the reason your wife has pulled away from you, you must confront the situation. She started the menopause change about 3 years ago, however sex prior to that was maybe every few months for probably 7 years. Peter: she wouldnt interest you shes like me now old, cranky, take pills and fat. I have the sex drive I had when I was 20, and I feel like me again. When it gone, its gone. They may be finding fulfilment on the computer/phone with others (just a guess) and so thats a big problem right there. And the source of so many sleepless nights is that person who promised to love and honor us until death dobus part and who still possess a mouth and fingers and the ability to do just that. That partner has truly not kept theur vow, but have managed to put us in a moral quandary. If you love him why cant you help him be happy a few times a week I dont get that part, it is just a little bit of your time and you could set all the rules or boundaries of what you are and are not willing to do. I work hard and have to masturbate sometimes to fall asleep. Even when a man has had prostate cancer, as my husband has, that does not mean he gets a free pass to close up shop and put his wife on the shelf the rest of her life. I suggest that you forget about sex and focus more on hugging, cuddling and kissing. You take care of you! But I noticed the past 3 years she has seldom initiated intimate relations, and I attribute that to she likes to use her ipad and play puzzle / word/ and brain teaser games and does surf her FB some. Thats what hurts me is the constant rejection. Wills comment is more true than not (and certainly not far from true). I am also in a sexless relationship, same as others in our 50s Im in good shape and shes overweight, out of shape and depressed. Dont worry about having sex for a long time. If she isnt satisfied in bed, it could be that shes tired of initiating intimacy only to be left wanting. Addressing these issues will likely buoy your sex life naturally. But I still love her and will be heartbroken when that day comes. Been in sexless marriage for 45 years! Been sleeping in separate beds since surgery. Thank you, great essay. Have you asked whether she experienced vaginal pain during sex? Most dont ever have this figured out. Menopause can affect a woman's sexual functioning2 and overall interest in sex. Married 10 years!!!! Hello Elle, And you are wasting your life . So no, this was not the place to blow your horn. I can understand why youre anxious about talking to your wife about this, but communication is the only way youll get out of this impasse. Our world is obsessed with sex and without understanding the unity of compassion, respect, close bonds after many years of being together. First, do not deny your needs any more than you would deny yourself your favorite food, movie, book or music. Fully. My wife did not give me your three choices, but they are still there. She said that I can take care of myself in the shower and that is just fine with her. Help out around the house and stop making your wife do everything. Its all about the woman needs not the man. I realize this rant may seem to be about my needs, but I think I deserve the right to a fulfilling life. It's possible that your wife is no longer attracted to you or perhaps no longer interested in being married to youthough just note, a lowered libido alone is not necessarily indicative of a larger problem with the relationship. Or if your wife does have a known medical issue, talk to each other about how your sex life might be being affected and ways you can work together to keep your sex life healthy. No way not ever. If your wife has recently lost interest in sex, it might be tied to her feelings about her body these days. Must he provide her preferred amount of resources (which is much higher than he himself needs) while also accepting her preferred amount of sex (which is much lower than he himself needs) under the guise of equality? Ive slept in my own bedroom for 43 of those years. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. As Gopa points out, the reasons can stem from resentment to communication gaps or personal issues. I wish I could be fulfilled without sex, like many women as they age. You ever think about getting some on the side? So when your wife seems to frequently push you away and demonstrates through her words or actions that she has no interest in making love with you, this behavior is usually caused by a one or more triggering events. I agree, once they stop theres nothing thats going to get them interested or willing to do it again. What the heck! Thank God I love to ski. In long-term relationships, sex can be the fastest route for . I am fairly attractive and I. Nothing, I mean nothing, kills a relationship, a marriage, a union, more thoroughly than complacency and boredom. Less. That was then and she is gone now. See all of Joans advice in Sex@Our Age. I said no. I have been dedicated for 43 years but I also realize you need and one thing before you canOnto the other. In other cases, it can also be if youve betrayed her trust in the past. Signs My Husband Isn't Attracted To Me - He Rejects Your Hugs, Kisses, And Touch. (For the record, I would cook, but Im terrible at it). I am dry (we tried lubricant) and hes small (always been, but seems more so in his 60s) and he doesnt get or stay very hard at all. When you choose not to accept/care/act on it year after year, our desire disappears. The reasons behind why a wife avoids physical contact can range from marital discord to just being burned out, says Gopa. Best to all. Thank you for indiviualizing yozr response. It has been years since my wife and I have had sex. I actually envy those that are single. After reading most of the above letters I have come to the conclusion that married couples, for the most part, have all entered into relationships, never having the correct training. And we sacrifice ourselves for them. If you would like to express a comment about Senior Planet locations or programs, please contact She know eccatly what shes doing. Some older couples and married partners with physical disabilities make it work every day and have a satisfying relationship. My only suggestion would be to get out of this marriage and fast. Having sex will actually help you physically and can add years to your life. Here is a video explaining mental illness that might help. Youve both gone so long without sex together and without understanding each other that it isnt an easy fix. I was her first love. A subtle way of saying I will date outside the marriage. nuff said. Addie I had four children from a previous marriage, I had a tubal ligation reversal so we could have a child of our own, By serious good luck, we had one. Im 55 my name is Tom, I havent made love to my wife in nearly 9 years due to her having several medical issues. Im not convinced of this because he does not even initiate a kiss. I could care less what he says or does. Her 90-year-old mother lives with us, and I love her like my own mom. Share your feelings with your wife openly, honestly, and vulnerably without expecting it to lead to something physical. We had sex once last year and it had been a while prior to that, but she told me that due to the pain and all, she doesnt want to do it any more. cost of pilings for beach house,